Roasts and Toasts

The Toast of Vikram Vedha

After Batman, Vikram Vedha has arguably the catchiest theme (TANA-NANA-NANA-NAA…. TANA-NANA-NANA-NAA). After Joker, Vedha is the next worst guy you’ll want to root for. This film is a delirious mix of Vikram Vethal and The Dark Knight. For the uninitiated, Vikram and Vethal, is the story of King Vikramaditya and his adventures with the Vethal (poltergeist/ghoul). Poltergeists are supposed to be noisy beings who damage property. Thala Ajith’s Vethalam was loosely based on this premise.

A sage asks King Vicky to go to the forbidden forest and bring back the Vethal. King Vicky says “Easy peasy lemon squeezy” and sets out. When he finally faces the Vethal, King Vicky realizes his adversary isn’t an easy target. The Vethal plays more hard to get than a Tinder match who holds strong ideals of feminism, independence, and has high standards. So, King Vicky instead turns the tables and says “only here for friendship”. This gets the Vethal talking. The Vethal promptly lays down some ground rules. The Vethal states that he will ride on King Vicky’s back, and as they make their way back to the sage, King Vicky will have to listen to a story. At the end of the story, Vethal will ask him a question in the form of a riddle. If King Vicky doesn’t know the answer, the Vethal will stay with him, answer the riddle, and move onto the next story. If King Vicky knows the answer and doesn’t respond, his head will explode. If King Vicky responds correctly, Vethal will fly back to his tree, because “if you know errthang, why you need me for, biatch?”

King Vicky agrees to all of the above while mumbling “this clingy bitch right here.” He also notes that if prenups had these clauses, divorce rates would drop steeply, because ain’t nobody getting married if they know exactly what they’re getting into. Now, back to Vikram Vedha.

Madhavan plays Vikram, an encounter specialist, with a broad frame and broader smile. He is headstrong and prides himself on knowing he is always on the right side of the law. He can come back home after a long day of feeding bullets to goons and sleep like a baby, because he knows he has never killed an innocent human being. Vikram is your happy-go-lucky death dealer. This is established in the opening sequence, where Vikram and his squad take a gang by storm. Vikram clocks the most kills, but spots a runner. Instead of chasing after him, Vikram takes a walk in the park while twirling his glock. When the rowdy hits a dead end, he turn around and surrenders, and this annoys Vikram. He responds with, “You could’ve surrendered back there. The fuck did you make me come after you? Okay, tell me a joke and I’ll let you live.” The felon cracks a below average pun. Vikram is not amused and shoots the kills. Lesson for budding comedians: it’s a kill or be killed world out there. Better be ready for the day a cop comes after you with a gun, and all you can do to save yourself is tell a good joke.

Vijay Sethupathi is the best buy one get one free deal in Kollywood. You sign him, you get his acting skills for free. Not for sale individually. His performance as Vedha will surprise audiences once again. Right from the start, it’s clear that Vedha isn’t evil incarnate. He is the bad guy, because the good guys wouldn’t have a job otherwise. He is in the logistics business, and people get hurt once in a while. Every time he faces off with Vikram, he distracts him and gets away; leaving Vikram with answers to find. He teaches Vikram to look at both sides of the coin, instead of simply stopping with calling heads or tails. The story ends with Vikram and Vedha fighting side by side – forced to be brothers in arms due to circumstances. Finally, Vikram and Vedha have a Mexican stand-off, and it’s Vikram’s turn to riddle Vedha – “Should I let you go because you fought by my side, or should I kill you right here because that’s my job? Which is right?”

THE END. The best cliffhanger ending I’ve ever witnessed in Kollywood yet.

The supporting cast has also done well. There are two female characters (Priya and Chandra), and no item songs. There’s also a strong sense of casual feminism.

Priya is Vikram’s wife. She has tattoos, a serious job, and doesn’t exist just to make her man feel better about himself. She is a lawyer who hates cops. Vikram is a cop who hates lawyers. This friction brings them together, and thus begins a flashback song montage of their courtship. There’s a lot of insinuated sex, and they go to bed wearing normal clothes. It is time we acknowledged that lingerie and lip-biting isn’t always part of foreplay. On their first night, Vikram and Priya take the couch and pass out. Again, it is time we acknowledged that the wedding ceremony takes a physical toll on the bride and groom, and they’re too tired to even think of sex. When Vikram realizes Priya is Vedha’s attorney, he tries to get her to drop the case. Priya responds with “Why don’t you drop the case? Your work is work, but mine isn’t?”

Chandra also has her moments – when she gets slapped, she slaps back; when someone tries to intimidate her, she puts them in their place.

The soundtrack is great, and the songs have replay value. Karuppu Vellai is the recurring theme, and Yaanji serves as the romantic montage number. Tasakku Tasakku is the actual item numbers, where the bad guys have some fun dancing to their own tunes with a side of booze. The rest of the songs seem like they were made by the music director simply because he got commissioned for the job – much like a content writer who has to meet deadlines because they got paid ahead of time in full. The movie has a lot of subtle humor peppered in the most intense scenes, but the grit and pace of the thriller is maintained. You can tell there’s a lot of tension in the movie simply by checking out Madhavan’s nipples. After Batman, his nipples are the sharpest. This might also explain why he never wears a bulletproof vest.

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Roasts and Toasts

The Roast of Iru Mugan

 

Iru Mugan roughly translates to “two-faced”. This is useless trivia, much like the entire script of this film. Chiyaan Vikram proves once again that he is the Johnny Depp of Kollywood, by donning makeup for roles that don’t really require it. This results in his thespian acting talents getting smothered beneath the layers of said makeup. If the role doesn’t require makeup, Vikram will grow a beard just so he can shave it off and look completely different in the next shot and get through security. Because, facial hair is enough to throw off facial recognition software.

The plot is about a drug called Speed. Which is exactly what the movie lacks. Then, they make references to Hitler – because the story doesn’t have enough juice. This drug is packed into inhalers that makes junkies out of asthma patients. Iru Mugan also puts the junk in junkie. Once inhaled, the drug works by exploiting the adrenaline rush triggered by extreme fear and paranoia, and renders the user capable of superhuman strength and invincibility. Or something like that. The effects and purposes of this drug are specifically ambiguous. But, the effects last only five minutes. Which is also how long Akilan Vinod lasts in bed.

Chiyaan plays a RAW agent, and therefore oozes RAW masculinity, among other things. His name is Akilan Vinod. Not just Akilan. Not just Vinod. Kollywood has graduated to a whole new level where we have started giving fucks about the full names of the characters. Akilan Vinod is what happens when Jason Bourne goes to Mars and realizes Dindigul Thalappakatti has opened a branch there. His beard and hair are inspired by pre-2010 Abhishek Bachchan. When he is clean-shaven, he can also sing, dance, and look like a buff Jim Carrey. He also gives advice to an Indian born Malaysian cop: “Be Indian police. Break rules for a good cause” Indeed, because when it’s for a good cause, rules shmules!

Harris Jayaraj has earned a special mention here, with songs based on names such as Halena, Gazana, and Maya – girls Harris wishes he had dated. That is the only explanation, especially when none of the characters in the movie are named Halena, Gazana, or Maya. The background scores work as auditory cues. Just in case you go blind halfway through the movie, you’ll know what’s happening based on the sounds. Thumping fast paced music stolen from your nearest gym is indicative of action and violence. DOO-BA-DOO, DOO-BI-DA or similar sounding nonsense means the villain’s name is being mentioned. Yes, every single time the bad guy’s name is mentioned. The villain’s theme is basically a Twitter notification.

Nithya Menen is planted in this movie simply so the villain can injure her and crack a pun – “Are you okay, Kanmani?” BOOM! MIC DROP! PEACE OUT! OHHHH! I mean, you’ve got to give it to him, guys. Otherwise she just exists in the background. Other than that one time she goes undercover as a hooker who ran out of a Flamenco concert.

Nayantara plays Meera, another RAW agent. Her role consist of marrying Akilan, getting shot in the head, falling off a cliff, a case of bad memory, and wearing black leather. We all know the rules of Kollywood: If you want to take Nayantara seriously, she needs to be wearing black leather. Meera can also hack into any computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+F3. This also works on touchpads mounted on BMW dashboards.

Now, we come to the main attraction – Love (DOO-BA-DOO, DOO-BI-DA). Also played by Chiyaan Vikram, Love is what you get when you take a gay Joker minus the face paint, and give him a Scar voice. He is admittedly not into women, but nobody really knows who he’s into. His name serves only one purpose, to flip every love related cliché. These are some of the lines from the movie:

  • Love never dies
  • Everyone falls in love, but today Love is going to fall
  • Everyone chases after love, but you have made Love chase after you

If you went Love-dekabaal at this point, it is totally understandable.

He is also a tattoo enthusiast. All his employees – literally every single one of them – has a black heart with a cupid’s arrow inked into their napes. Right under the tattoo is a chip which will send out an EMP and kill said employees if they don’t do their job. This is directly lifted from Kingsman: The Secret Service. But, the censor board had a problem with exploding heads. They strictly prohibit any kind of blowjobs being administered on screen. Love has a special handheld device with an app that has all his employees listed. Fastest Finger First is Love’s version of letting someone go.

But, when a freelancer fucks up, Love applies face powder that burns their skin upon contact. Moral of the story: When a freelancer fucks up, the boss has to make up for it.

The movie ends with Akilan and his wife on a boat. They’ve been apart for four years, and he’s got a severe case of indigo balls. He wants a baby. She says it’ll take too long. He says he’ll get her pregnant in less than 24 hours. How?

You guessed it. Speed. He takes a pump from the inhaler so he can pump the missus. NOT EVEN KIDDING. Take Speed, have baby in 24 hours. Because, fear makes you want to fuck your wife.

Here’s what IMDB has to say about Iru Mugan:

Genre: Fantasy/Mystery; 7.8/10

“Set in Malaysia, this action-packed story follows a dude with dual personalities, as he duels with his various personalities.”

Dude, dual, duel. DOO-BA-DOO, DOO-BI-DA…

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